Hi all. I sat down to write this post a bit teary eyed. I must admit. Not because this is the last post for this most beloved (and I when I say beloved I really mean "hated") blog, but because of why it is the last post.
As anyone can tell by my blog, I was utterly disgusted by any Jew who would marry a non-Jew. Especially a Jewish man, since that deprives the community of his, what would have been, Jewish children. For a population which has been decimated numerous times, numbers matter. But as I dated numerous Jewish girls throughout the years (I would say easily 120+ Jewish women) I have noticed something that is eye opening to me. What I have noticed is that Jewish women simply don't care. I've tried it all, varying themes as time progressed. I tried being myself, being the asshole, the thoughtful one, the sweet one, the thin(er) one, the heavier one, the nice one, the mean one. I've tried being the employed one, the debt free one, the planner, the impromptu one, the one that thinks about marriage and wants it, the one that thinks about sex and doesn't care about marriage. I tried being the future planner, the well dresser, the suit dresser (when coming from work), the down dresser. I tried being on time, early, and fashionably late. I tried. I really did. Honestly. You can't say I didn't date enough as I dated tons of women from all backgrounds. I rarely rejected matches and instead wanted to find out who the people were in person, instead of just deciding based on some conforming profile. I was even thoughtful in the places I chose for the date. If the woman was into knitting, I didn't take her to some arbitrary pub, but instead to a knitting cafe. But ultimately, no one cared. Not one.
Now I'm not going to sit here and even think for a minute that its all their fault. I could have been thin and buff, been more accomplished, been more religious, less religious, whatever it may be. I'm not going to say why they didn't care since I can't possibly know. All I do know, is that they didn't. To the contrary, there are fatter, uglier, less accomplished people who are happily married. My theory is that a lot of these upper west side women are married to their daddies. Their daddies pay their bills, are accomplished, never ask them about getting married, and shower them with unconditional love and require nothing of them in return. How can I possibly compete with that?? Well...I can't.
So as I seriously contemplate calling up my Korean friend and asking her out, I thought I would put an end to this blog. I'm a dick. I'm an asshole. But I'm no hypocrite. I now see what all these guys are talking about. I now see what they mean when they say that they are totally disregarded by unsexual, uncaring, uninteresting women. Having dated most of them (or so it feels), I can finally say: You're right. I was wrong. Sometimes its easy to just lay down a blanket rule, without figuring out why the rule is broken so often. Well, now I've figured it out and I apologize to all I may have offended in the process. Dating for a few years sounds easy, simple and fun. But its not "dating" for a few years. Its effort, its rejection, its investing emotion which goes unreturned, its costly, its draining, and ultimately, its depressing. Dating encompasses all of the above and one can only take it for so long.
Hopefully if the woman I do marry is non-Jewish, she'll convert. If not, then our Jewish culture and society has failed us and failed an entire generation of jewish women by spoiling them into a life of narcissism. I'm sure all the women I dated had valid reasons for being wholly unimpressed by me and thats ok. But for once in my life, I'd like to actually go out with a girl that likes me and wants to be with me. A girl that won't be half listening to me on our first phone conversation because she's busy IMing other people (and too stupid to mute the volume so I don't hear the IM sounds in the background), a girl that won't show up 45 minutes late only to keep me standing there while she finishes her phone call, a girl that won't check her phone 5 times throughout the first date, a girl that won't be bitter and condescending the entire date to me, a girl that won't go out knowing she doesn't like me just for the free meal, a girl that will show me something other than total and utter disregard, a girl that.... and on and on.
So again, farewell to all my loyal readers and hate mail senders. I apologize to you all. Although I wished you ill will, I hope you can find it in your heart to wish me the best and that I find someone that actually likes me enough to be with me.
Goodbye to you all and best wishes,
JD
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19 comments:
could this be some type of karma, for you being so narrow-minded that you only wanted to date jewish women?
You're missing the point. The issue never was about being narrow-minded. I'm not narrow minded and I'm well aware that there are fantastic non-Jewish women out there. The issue was always about marrying Jewish women in order to cultivate, repopulate and continue the Jewish culture, religion and race (assuming one thinks it is a race).
The "karma" I received was really more along the lines of that I was protecting a religion and culture that literally wanted nothing to do with me. It especially didn't want me to reproduce and have children within it. Here I was thinking that this dwindling population would love to have a genuine supporter. You'd think the women would love that: a Jewish lawyer zionist from an intact family with no addictions who wants to see the religion grow. Surprisingly, they didn't.
it's a lost cause and I'm glad you gave it up.
re
"cultivate, repopulate and continue the Jewish culture, religion and race (assuming one thinks it is a race)."
as a former student of modern European history, this phrase has a distinctly fascist sound to it.
Well then you should hand your high horse degree back because you're an idiot.
You are aware that Fascism is a political and economic theory, right? What about what I said has to do with politics and finances? Franco never put jews in gas chambers, neither did the dictators of Myanmar. So I presume what you meant to say is that it sounds vaguely genetically purist and genocidal maybe? Of course even then you're wrong. I never said that we should herd non-Jews into gas chambers to save the Jew. In fact, if you read my blog I say numerous times that I am an avid supporter of all communities (even those that hate us - read my interview with the White Nationalist Party leader).
That being said, wanting a culture and community to thrive does not make someone a racist or genocidal "fascist." If it was up to liberals like you, we'd all be nothing. It would be all one world of substantive-less people, all speaking english, all shopping at Urban Outfitters and subsequently all obese, on meds, living alone with cats, believing in nothing except narcissism. I want Judaism to thrive and repopulate. I want Catholicism to thrive and regroup. I want Christianity to do the same. Sikhs and Confucian as well. However, if you had it your way, all those groups would intermarry out of fear of being labeled a "fascist" by those who think they're smart because their daddies paid for their 2nd tier school diploma. Wow, what a great exciting world you have planned. Maybe when that happens our cats can have a play date while we go into debt at American Apparel.
Racism is the active hatred of another group based on superficial standards. Loving your own community does not mean you actively and aggressively hate other communities based on superficial standards. Stop being PC and start being human. You'll like it. Trust me.
racism and fascism don't start out with gas chambers or even with hate. That's where knowing history comes in handy. racism starts out with a notion of superiority.
you're uptight and opinionated; that's probably why the ladies didn't like you.
and don't you know how many people hate lawyers?
Racism doesn't start out with hate, eh? alrighty....
The fact that you love yourself more than you love me makes you a racist, a fascist, and superior.
Oh, you claim to be none of those?
See why your logic doesn't work?
"and don't you know how many people hate lawyers?"
Tell me about it...I join them in their grief.
no, I don't see why my logic doesn't work. "love" and feeling superior/inferior are not related.
the white southerners before the civil war in the US didn't hate their black slaves. They simply viewed them as inferior. You don't think that's racism?
There are major flaws in your comparison.
First of all, stating that the southerners didn't hate their slaves is not entirely true. We don't really know what they were thinking. Their slaves were their property. Ownership doesn't imply non-hate. For instance, I know many people who own, and hate, their cars. But that is more semantic. The vital flaw was comparing slave ownership, to intra-marriage - which is wholly false in every way.
By loving my people and culture, and thus wanting to marry only within it, is not in any way shape or form, stripping the inherent, god-given, and/or constitutional rights of any man woman or child. Yes, I think owning slaves and stripping human beings of their god-given and inherent rights is racism (in fact, I think its much worse than racism!), but are you saying for a second that that is what I'm doing here by wanting to marry a jew? Its at best a faulty comparison, or at worst, wholly off the topic.
And to close it all down, I will quote what you yourself stated:
"love" and feeling superior/inferior are not related"
PRECISELY!! Thank you for supporting my views. My love for my people is not "related" to feelings of superiority. Its a good thing you said it and agree with it, because I couldn't have said it better myself. Welcome! as you are now officially the first supporter of my blog and my views.
I suppose this is why people hate lawyers, eh? We know precisely what to ask.
I reviewed your recent epiphany with great interest. Interest because many of your co-religionists have reached the same conclusion.
One can understand and sympathize with the various feelings this important decision will generate. You will have feelings of failure, because you did not achieve the goal that most Jewish men were inculcated with from an early age -- that of eventually obtaining a religiously appropriate spouse. As you point out - this was particularly important to men who wanted a Jewish family. You still may believe that somehow it is your fault -- although you can be assured that it was not.
You will have feelings of disappointment, because your religion and heritage is important to you, and you were hoping to share it with a significant other
And you will have anger -- wondering how you could have wasted so much energy, time, money and general good will with women that you yourself have characterized as not caring.
Consider yourself lucky in a number of ways. Research generated by the Jewish community indicate that Jewish men are marrying non-Jewish women in overwhelming numbers. As a result, the Jewish community is adapting to this new reality. Interfaith couples are welcomed at virtually all Jewish venues. If your future non Jewish wife does not convert -- she will still be welcomed as a vital member of the Jewish community. Conversion processes for the most part are easier and more accepted within the Jewish community.
This is a radical change from just a few short years ago where those who chose to date outside of the religion, let alone pursue matrimony were little more than pariahs in the Jewish community. And most importantly of all -- you are still a full and vital member of the Jewish community regardless of who your significant other or spouse is. Some have suggested that this is the most important and positive change in the Jewish community over the past fifty years.
Your decision, as painful as it appears in the short term will be viewed as a liberating experience. Your socialization focus will radically change. To paraphrase Martin Luther King, your will view prospective significant others by the content of their character, and not by solely their religion.
Even though your primary socialization focus has changed - you will still be able to participate in the Jewish community. When those who are acting inappropriately do so -- you can inform them of that fact and just walk away. No more accepting various forms of acting out behaviors from anyone because of one's religious pedigree. You are no longer dependent on anyone for social interaction -- the entire world is now available to you.
When you inform others in the Jewish community that you demand certain acceptable levels of behavior from those you spend time with no matter their religion, not only will others respect you more -- but that in turn will create a new found level of self respect for yourself.
So congratulation on your new found conclusions -- what took you so long?
Thanks for the congrats and good wishes! What took so long? I suppose I just wanted to give it as much time as possible. Its a bit like a casino, I kept going on dates hoping the next one would be great! Well, 3 years later I find myself at 27 with no one.
I will get married, I'm just worried about the aging vast upper west side of spinsters. At least we can take solace in the fact that the upper west side cat industry will be thriving very shortly.
All I can say to you is, that I am the one who posted the virtues of family oriented Asian wives vis a vis Jewish women in the singles market, which you riddiculed and that a contrite laden applogy is needed to the Asian female community and the Jewish men that they do and will love and care for. It took you approximately 120 Jewish dates to realize that the only way you can marry a Jewish women is to marry one who is or will be a convert. Which leads me to suggest that perhaps a shiduchan,possibly one through the OU can help you find someone who is a convert. I know some wonderful women who underwent modern orthodox conversion. One is definately too old for ou, and the other, I am not personally familiar with, but of course she is a Filipina. in the meantime, scores of wonderful familiy oriented Asian wives of Jewish men await your appology. That perhaps is the last avenue for you to go. After that???
I am the blogger who posted the the missive about the virtues of Filipina women and how they are a fast growing contingent of the Jewish community. You ripped me apart and now you see what I see. An appology is in order on Yom Kippur, not just to me, but all those who failed to find a family oriented Jewish women and to the wonderful wives we did find. There is a resource for Jewish men who still wish to marry Jewish, and that is to seek converted women or women inclined to convert. I hope you find that hailed convert. Some sort of intermarriage for you is inevitable, as it is for most Jewish men. Keep going to shul and keep striving to do mitzvot.
Hi Mr A and thanks for writing. I honestly don't really believe that I should be apologizing as I blame Jewish women equally if not more than the Jewish men who are turned off by them. Maybe my "rice" comment was unnecessary (but still kind of true). We are all to blame, the men and the women and I really do believe that was the only blog entry that blamed everyone equally.
Nevertheless, if you, your wife, or any greater female Asian community at large, were insulted in any way, I do hereby apologize.
[and btw, if you do know any filipino women (especially converts), please feel free to email me at jewishdestrudo@gmail.com ;)]
I am a Jewish man, who found himself divorced when in my 40s. I was in a very modest financial position and did not own my own home. I quickly realized that with what I had (or didn't have) to offer, I could not eliminate 98% of prospects. I met a wonderful kind gentile woman, through the personals. She wanted someone who was intellectual and doting but necessarily rich or macho. She wanted to be wanted. She grew up poor and very unspoiled. She was not a princess. I am very happily married now. I feel wanted. I wish this for you too!
Numerous people have been writing me supportive emails and I recently wrote back to one. Clearly it is specific to what they wrote me, but its general enough and apt enough that I thought I should include it in the comments:
_______________________________
My apologies for not writing back sooner. I have a lot on my plate now with a full time job, a business on the side and of course, dating and Pesach.
Thank you so much for writing. When I was reading your email on the subway I actually got chills because it sounded so unbelievably familiar to what I am going through right now. It was nice to hear someone has gone through it and made it out alive, and I admit that when one is knee deep in a situation its hard to step back and realize its probably not as dramatic as one expresses. However, just as I was glad to see that there is hope for me, I was just as saddened by the prospect of having to let my dream (well...now I would label it more fantasy) diminish. I'm aware that there is the respite of non-Jewish women out there, oxygen to breath in the suffocating world of Jewish dating, but having someone say that I have no option is indeed saddening by its realism.
Its a sad feeling knowing that an entire community has failed you and the women you are after. Its a sad feeling to know that, without a belief in any grand conspiratorial malice aforethought of any kind, there is nevertheless a communitarianist collective decision to thwart almost all attempts of mine to marry within the faith. Of all the cries of crisis and anti-assimilation, only one person (my cousin) has set me up with someone; hardly the actions of a people destined for annihilation via inter-marriage.
But being a Freudian, its hard for me to let things go. Why would a community not feel it necessary to want to keep me within that community? Too ugly? too fat? too weird? not smart enough? Its hard not to blame my parents for raising me with whatever malady our community deems unworthy of procreation. And yet I keep hoping one day my parents will swoop in and fix whatever problem is ruining my future - but it recently dawned on me, that they won't. They never will. The people who always hope that someone, be it community, parents, the government, etc... will come and save them are the people that never progress or find contentment or dare I even say happiness (if it even exists).
So while I am consciously aware of what needs to be done, there is that inner child within me that wants to ride the storm and hope and pray that my community or parents will do a last second save like Indian Jones reaching back for his hat. A shidduch will be made with the best and brightest, not because they didn't want to set me up with anyone, but because they wanted to hold out for the greatest! But reality screams at me daily, even with my blinders, and ear plugs and insulation. No one is there to help me. Not this great community I used to think wonders of, nor my parents who I assumed could move boulders if they chose too.
It is this harsh reality and its subsequent path that you chose, and the same one that I will follow down alone. I must admit that its scary walking down a path alone, especially since, goyish or not, there still is a chance that there is no one at the other end.
I guess this truly does sum up my aptly named blog. The Jewish Destrudo has claimed yet another victim.
JD
Dude, your problems are not jew or gentile problems. Your problems are the same for most men AND women on this planet. My only advice to you after 8 years of marriage, find someone you like talking to and visa versa. Who also shares your sense of humor. Add in the pretense of love and your set.
Either way your doomed to misery. It's just the misery of marriage suits humans better because we are social creatures. Mankind was not designed to be alone.
Stop seeking enlightenment. You will only be greatly disappointed.
Big Mike from Gun Barrel City, Texas
Asians and Jews have very similar values. Both cultures put weight on higher education, six figure salaries, respect for elders, and more traditional approaches to the family unit as a whole.
I have friends that are products of Ashkenazi men and Korean or Japanese women. Their mothers converted, and they all attended Hebrew school. Japan is an industrialized nation, and helped save Jews during WWII. In general, women with backgrounds from industrialized countries won't need husbands solely for a stable financial situation. Keep that in mind.
I'm half Irish and Japanese. Also, in the process of converting. For me, Judaism has been so rewarding. Giving my life meaning, that I never had being forced to grow up in a Christian household. People that decide to convert of their own free will (not pressure from marriage), generally make very fervent Jews that respect what it means, while being pro-active in furthering Jews as a people. I will marry a Jew. I will have Jewish children, and I pray that my children will raise Jews. So on, and so forth. Judaism by far, has the most beautiful values. You can easily find a convert that upholds what you prize most in your people/heritage/culture.
Either way, don't give up. Asian or not, there's a woman out there for you.
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